Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
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Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.