Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
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My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
i love modern commerce
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
If only
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas