@HFromTheNam

Husband:-“So when you starting back at the gym”?

Me:-“Why”?

H:-“Because you need to”

His funeral takes place next week.

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@HenpeckedHal

When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.

@ThatRascalPuff

No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory

*looks hard af*

*pukes polaroid*

@Holy_Mowgli

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

@RedRegenerated

ME: What’s that on your wrist?

CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.

ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*

CW: That’s just a regular watch.

ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.

@michael_raphone

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

@thenatewolf

*Trying to come up with the most romantic thing I could possibly say*

You’re like if my friend Brent was a girl.

@cool_pond

replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground

@Marlebean

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

@JimmerThatisAll

Today’s workout. Light weights. 1 hour parkouring rooftops on my block. It’s surprising how many people have skylights in their bathrooms.

@ShortSleeveSuit

NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you

WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers