Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
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Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.