When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Husband:-“So when you starting back at the gym”?
H:-“Because you need to”
His funeral takes place next week.
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No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
*Trying to come up with the most romantic thing I could possibly say*
You’re like if my friend Brent was a girl.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Today’s workout. Light weights. 1 hour parkouring rooftops on my block. It’s surprising how many people have skylights in their bathrooms.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers