Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
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The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.