@Trustedshoe

Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.

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@JimmerThatisAll

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

@SondraDeeMe

I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound.
I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.

@fouadelbatrawi

Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”

Ian: “What makes you say that?”

Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”

@sonictyrant

Me: well boys as one door closes another one opens

Submarine crew: *screaming*

@PinkCamoTO

The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If you want to confuse a teen just ask them what the opposite of literally is.

@_BurnsWhenIPee

Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?

@krisv_723

I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.