When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
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I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound.
I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Me: well boys as one door closes another one opens
Submarine crew: *screaming*
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
If you want to confuse a teen just ask them what the opposite of literally is.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.