Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.

You Might Also Like


When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things


I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound.
I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.


Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.


Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”

Ian: “What makes you say that?”

Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”


Me: well boys as one door closes another one opens

Submarine crew: *screaming*


The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.


If you want to confuse a teen just ask them what the opposite of literally is.


Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?


I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.