Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
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If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.