[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
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“what’s it like having a sister?”
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
wut hotdog?
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
ACED my prostate exam!
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single