@mommajessiec

Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.

Me: So you go back to the office for work.

Husband: And?

Me: And?

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@LaraineBaker

My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.

@murrman5

[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

@DailyAdviser

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

@stuckinaportal

[we both wake up in a panic]

her: i dreamed you died

me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM

@LittleLostLad

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody

Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm

Wife: he means the kids

Me: I trust them even less