My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
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[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less