Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
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[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
The dark side of Canada
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.