Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.

Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.

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You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you


If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.


Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.


If Jay-Z is married to Beyonce and is a multimillionaire and still has 99 problems then there ain’t no hope for the rest of us


[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift


Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.


Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.


Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.