You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
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If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
If Jay-Z is married to Beyonce and is a multimillionaire and still has 99 problems then there ain’t no hope for the rest of us
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
What moisturiser do bullfighters use? Olay.