Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”

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Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?


interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no


earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that


If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors


No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.

Women because they’re embarrassed

Men because they’ll start laughing


[First day in bomb squad]

*Woman crying infront of blown up house*

ME : *putting an arm around her shoulders*
“I think this belonged to your husband”


facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces


*puts Fitbit on Roomba

*eats crackers with no plate or napkin


My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.


“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”


“A spider? An aardvark?”

“Wrong. It’s a horse.”

“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”