Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
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interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
[First day in bomb squad]
*Woman crying infront of blown up house*
ME : *putting an arm around her shoulders*
“I think this belonged to your husband”
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
*puts Fitbit on Roomba
*eats crackers with no plate or napkin
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”