Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
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Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Just how popey was the pope today?
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
When you’ve simply given up.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.