Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
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Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
All generalizations are stupid.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
just having fun
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.