Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
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Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw