@mommajessiec

Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.

Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.

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@bjnovak

The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.

All thanks to the dad.

Papa Razzi.

Goodnight everyone

@tchrquotes

[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.

@redthe1

My niece guessed the capital of Montana is Hannah, and I had to give it to her because as far as I know that’s correct

@13spencer

I just found out that “Birdman” has nothing to do with Hawkeye, and now I want to see it.

@Probgoblin

Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.

@WorstCassie

Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*

Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*

@pilau

Man: You’re killing me

Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material

@LackOfShame

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.

@Marlebean

*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday

@YourMomsucksTho

Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you