Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
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[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next