Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
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“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.