@TheWinegasm

Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?

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@AmishPornStar1

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

@ddsmidt

My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.

@chaoticugly

googling “bible verses to use in an argument” before going to dinner with my mom

@Home_Halfway

DATE: So what do you like to do?
ME: Enter hot dog breeding contests
DATE: You mean “eating?”
ME: *thrusting hot dogs together carefully* No

@TheAlexNevil

Little known trivia:

If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.

@girlontapas

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

@AmericanGent69

Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.

It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.

@noneofyours99

You know what? I don’t like your tone. I’d like a new person please

911 operator – ma’am, police are almost there ju….

Me – LET ME SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!