Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
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Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Warm pools make me nervous.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
*bites zombie*