I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
You Might Also Like
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
How dramatic are you?
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.