husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado
me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend
husband:
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Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
blocked.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”