Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
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A Short Story.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree