Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
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Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”