Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
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My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.