@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.

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@minnascule

just learned that “hanky panky” is not slang for “hankering for a pancake”. feeling devastated

@supertweetjen

The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.

@Mr_Kapowski

If you encounter another Dad in the wild wearing a #1 Dad shirt, you must fight to the death.

Disneyland has never been so fun

@hurlarious

Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?

@better_off_dad

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

@MomOnFire

*15 seconds into makeup application*

I’m bored. This is good enough.

@envydatropic

Nothing scares me more than a refund check from the government that I didn’t know was coming.

@SpokenDamsel

This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.