HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.

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The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.


If you encounter another Dad in the wild wearing a #1 Dad shirt, you must fight to the death.

Disneyland has never been so fun


Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?


If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.


*15 seconds into makeup application*

I’m bored. This is good enough.


Nothing scares me more than a refund check from the government that I didn’t know was coming.


This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.