Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m playing a matching game on my phone.
Me: To stave off my Alzheimer’s.
H: But you don’t have Alzheimer’s.
Me: Exactly. See how it’s working?
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[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
roses are red
i’m crossing a bridge
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
4yo: we have a weed farm!
Me: weedS in our yard
Lady: *rapidly walks away*
Me: MY KIDS DON’T GET HIGH
2yo: I get high *jumps*
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
So, if 4 out of 5 people suffer some medical condition, does that mean the other 1 person enjoys it?
🎶 You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I’m telling you why. Life gets worse when you’re an adult. 🎶