@AndLookPretty

Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I’m playing a matching game on my phone.

H: Why?

Me: To stave off my Alzheimer’s.

H: But you don’t have Alzheimer’s.

Me: Exactly. See how it’s working?

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@HannahB_15

Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.

@Book_Krazy

[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]

Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”

Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*

@PeterMolydeux

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

@anerdonfire2

Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine

@EwdatsGROSS

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

@BunAndLeggings

4yo: we have a weed farm!

Lady:

Me: weedS in our yard

Lady: *rapidly walks away*

Me: MY KIDS DON’T GET HIGH

2yo: I get high *jumps*

@WilliamAder

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

@El_nacho_Nigre

So, if 4 out of 5 people suffer some medical condition, does that mean the other 1 person enjoys it?

@OhNoSheTwitnt

🎶 You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I’m telling you why. Life gets worse when you’re an adult. 🎶