In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
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Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
oh my gosh!!
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
I can’t stop watching this.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
“you changed” bro i was 15
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids