Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
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culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired