Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
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A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
That’s not how days work.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
I’m giving up for Lent.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle