@Darlainky

Husband: What is today?

Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.

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@HughGoesThere

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

@Shade510

Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control

@markhoppus

Someone a few houses over is having a party. I can hear the music and laughter and people enjoying themselves. I’m calling the damn cops.

@MariyaAlexander

Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…

@aissalanis

[first day as a bartender]

* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *

@stephenjmolloy

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

@ThugRaccoons

Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?

Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.

Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.

Me: Exactly.

@underchilde

There should be a branch of the government that just helps people who get stood up.

@dafloydsta

[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.

@Rlpihl

Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago