Husband: What is today?

Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.

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[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.


Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control


Someone a few houses over is having a party. I can hear the music and laughter and people enjoying themselves. I’m calling the damn cops.


Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…


[first day as a bartender]

* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *


Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*


Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?

Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.

Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.

Me: Exactly.


There should be a branch of the government that just helps people who get stood up.


[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.


Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago