Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
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My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
my professor scared me for a second
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Nomnomnomnom
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.