Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
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The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Quadruple digit IQ
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics