Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
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Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Baller is short for ballerina
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.