Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
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The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
new year update: losing everything but weight
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.