Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

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You, me, a bottle of wine, soft music, a picnic basket, a strange growl, a bear, a tree, coyotes, a rescue chopper, a hospital, dessert.


[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]

Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*

ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?


DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?


You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog


Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.


Whoever named a pack of Hyenas a Cackle should name more groups of animals.


The referee has thrown a yellow flag. A red flag, a green, an orange, a blue. I’m now being told a magician has run on the field.