Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day

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Moths are really just butterflies on meth, all angry and shit while head-butting light bulbs and biting holes in your favorite shirt.


The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white


Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.


Movie theater: Please silence your phones.

Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*


There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”


Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.


Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.

God: please stop screaming.

Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!

God: you aren’t a ghost bear.

Polar Bear: are you sure?

God: that’s just how you look.

Polar Bear: oh. ok.

[Swan flies by]