@SteussieErica

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day

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@DepecheALAmode

Moths are really just butterflies on meth, all angry and shit while head-butting light bulbs and biting holes in your favorite shirt.

@RandallOtisTV

The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white

@SummerloveX0

Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.

@abgates7

Movie theater: Please silence your phones.

Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*

@reallifemommy3

There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”

@LostFelicia

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

@NewDadNotes

Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.

God: please stop screaming.

Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!

God: you aren’t a ghost bear.

Polar Bear: are you sure?

God: that’s just how you look.

Polar Bear: oh. ok.

[Swan flies by]

God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!