10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
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My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.