Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.

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*first day as medical examiner*

Me: What killed him?

Dr: Cancer

Me: And him?

Dr: Cancer

Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?

Dr: Nope. Sagittarius


My favorite sushi bar is the one where you can yell “ARF, ARF” like a seal and the chef throws raw fish in your mouth


Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.


I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead


Stages of gardening:

1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening


Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.

I need a ride home.


Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.


Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.


oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven