Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
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All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂