Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
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Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
they really do be looking like this
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine