@mommajessiec

Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?

Me: Because she agrees with me.

Also me, to me: Is he always like this?

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@Chip_Lappin

*Every coffee date*

Her: I’m studying Neuro-Molecular-Psychology. My emphasis is in reductive assimilation of the synapses.

Me: im curious about science too. like how do they make them blue skittles taste like cherry

@LoveNLunchmeat

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

@JohnHilsen

Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.

@SmartassChef

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

@jordan_stratton

RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!

Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild

@Swishergirl24

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

@UncleDuke1969

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

@OllyiConic

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”