Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?

Me: Because she agrees with me.

Also me, to me: Is he always like this?

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*Every coffee date*

Her: I’m studying Neuro-Molecular-Psychology. My emphasis is in reductive assimilation of the synapses.

Me: im curious about science too. like how do they make them blue skittles taste like cherry


Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.


Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.


If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.


RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!

Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild


Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.


“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
– We’re not having sex.
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”


Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”