@Chip_Lappin
*Every coffee date*
Her: I’m studying Neuro-Molecular-Psychology. My emphasis is in reductive assimilation of the synapses.
Me: im curious about science too. like how do they make them blue skittles taste like cherry
@mommajessiec
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
You Might Also Like
@Chip_Lappin
@LoveNLunchmeat
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
@AnOrangeSNES
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
@JohnHilsen
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
@SmartassChef
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
@jordan_stratton
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
@Swishergirl24
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
@UncleDuke1969
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
@OllyiConic
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”