Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?

Me: Because she agrees with me.

Also me, to me: Is he always like this?

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As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.


Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime


God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan


If this van’s a rocking it’s only cuz I practice karate in my van.


I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.


Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.


A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.


I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.


If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.