@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

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@batkaren

KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction

@beliz69

Today, I asked my husband if he would still love me if I was ugly and fat. He answered, “Yes, honey I do.”

@lipstickbrat1

*during sex*

Him: Hurt me

Me: Your brother is hotter than you

Him: I…

Me: Not a big fan of the new haircut either

@Brainy_Bear

The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.

@LackOfShame

H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Our daughter lied to me.

Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?

5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.

@MissNaughty1801

8y:thank you for the present
grandma

….: no need..

8y: that’s what I thought too but mum said I have to

@JannaKilimnik

Not at all embarassing when your newly potty trained toddler drops drawer and starts peeing on a tree… a fake tree… in the middle of a restaurant.