HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
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[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
We’re all getting idioter.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.