HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
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During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.