Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
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*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Just why bro?!
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally