@Parkerlawyer

Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS

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@donni

Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs

@LoveNLunchmeat

Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.

@stockejock

Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.

@thetobbie

Dudes, how can we keep track of how long it’s been since we’ve been on a date? I mean, women can just measure their leg hair…

@Glennmandirect

Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started

@iMonkGreen

Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?

@jordangerous

Facebook: My little man is the best thing that’s ever happened to me!

Twitter: Free baby. DM for details.