Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
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her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
who wore it better?
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Natty or not?
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.