I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
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It’s now politically correct to award kids trophies for last place. On a related note, ‘trophy wife’ has become rather ambiguous.
Is Viagra classified as a soft drug, or a hard drug?
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Every time. 😂
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful