@CantWaitToNap

Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

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@david8hughes

I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.

@byrdie_num_num

It’s now politically correct to award kids trophies for last place. On a related note, ‘trophy wife’ has become rather ambiguous.

@HenpeckedHal

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

@iheartgunts

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.

@mjkspeaks

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.

@GlennPriceMann

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.

@momjeansplease

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful