Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
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A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
What a website
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched