@mommajessiec

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

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@sarahkendzior

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

@Darlainky

Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

@lmegordon

Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.

@Marcmywords2

“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”

Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.

@DothTheDoth

Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.

@NotOnTheMoors

Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.

@WilliamRodgers

“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”

…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!

@Shock_Monster

Nurse: It’s just a little prick..

Me: That’s what my gf said!

N: Ha

M: Haha

N: HAHA

M: HAHAHA!

N: You don’t have a gf, do you?

M: No.

@eric10F

Rappers are terrible with pets: the Baja Men let their dogs out, DMX never knows where his dogs are at, and Pitbull is awful.

@Trisarahjtops

Genie: You have three wi–

Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]