
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Nurse: It’s just a little prick..
Me: That’s what my gf said!
N: Ha
M: Haha
N: HAHA
M: HAHAHA!
N: You don’t have a gf, do you?
M: No.
Rappers are terrible with pets: the Baja Men let their dogs out, DMX never knows where his dogs are at, and Pitbull is awful.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]