Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
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Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.