@VisionBored1

Husband: wow you’re eating a lot of pickles lately but I guess it’s better than junk right?

Me, having replaced the brine with vodka a week ago: totally

Husband: wow you’re eating a lot of pickles lately but I guess it’s better than junk right?

Me, having replaced the brine with vodka a week ago: totally

- @VisionBored1

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@psybermonkey

Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars

Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?

@KinerdMccain

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

@Reverend_Scott

BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?

NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-

INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know

@bobsin

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

@fro_vo

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on

@wakeelee

No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.

@BuckyIsotope

Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.

@knot_eye

[at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi…

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: …Twinkies.