Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
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Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
our love story in four pictures
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
What even happened today?
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
like u make the diseases or are against them ?