HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
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You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Just me?
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”