Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
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I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.