Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
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HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
brian had himself a morning…
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
is nasa ok
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]