My dog ate my work from home.
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I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”