@TheNYAMProject

Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.

Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!

Him: …

Me: …

Him: …

Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-

Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside

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@PhuckinCody

[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?

her: probably “ethereal,” it means-

me: mine is “shuttlecock.”

@Prince_Smarming

A co-worker said to me, “Could you be any more annoying?” So the next day I wore tap shoes to work.

@ninatreemonkey

Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING

@DrakeGatsby

[Watching “Alien” with my son]

Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared

Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.

@murrman5

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see

@amazymay72x

My 12yo son’s protip:

Buy larger sized clothes and you’ll look like you lost weight. You’re welcome.

@HomeWithPeanut

My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.

@DaddyJew

Daddy, how’d you get that scar?

*flashback to me tripping & falling while running from the police after a night of drunken debauchery*

War