me: what’s ur favorite word?
her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
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A co-worker said to me, “Could you be any more annoying?” So the next day I wore tap shoes to work.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
My 12yo son’s protip:
Buy larger sized clothes and you’ll look like you lost weight. You’re welcome.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Daddy, how’d you get that scar?
*flashback to me tripping & falling while running from the police after a night of drunken debauchery*
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