Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
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Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.