Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
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Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.